Inspired by M. <3
A lovely couple came to the class. There is something about M. being in ropes that touches me deeply. I think it’s a generosity of her gift to her rigger. She is making a real offering - upfront. When watching them tying, I feel sometimes it is her - the rope bottom - that holds the space for both of them. I would say she truly uses her personal power to empower their dynamic.
There are many different ways of being in ropes. There are many different ways to surrender.
Some experience what I would call elicited surrender. They need to be convinced by the rigger. It’s like “show me what you’ve got” kind of communication, less of a gift, and more of something the rigger has to deserve. Work for… They are like a metal spring: if you release the grip for a second, it will punch you in the face. It’s a “power over” game: if you are not on top, you will be at the bottom.
Deliberate surrender feels different. It’s a graceful act. It’s offering a gift following my own nature that yearns to surrender. It's a chosen vulnerability of saying something like “here is what I’ve got (or even: here is who I am) and I'm offering this to you”. It’s more like a “power with” dynamic: we can enable each other to go further…
As a bottom, I recognise myself much more in the second. My decision to surrender is usually made before the first rope touches my body. I do like to play. I enjoy resisting, teasing, provoking… Not to question the dynamic itself, but to invite greater intensity, deeper presence or a different quality of attention. I don't want to win. I want to feel more of you.
Perhaps there are many ways to surrender because there are many ways to understand power - in our relationships, in our environment, in our bodies… How do you relate when your hands are tied? Does it change (open or close) the possibility of trust and vulnerability towards your partner - the one who tied your hands? Is there an assumption about the contract you both are entering? And what are the terms and conditions?
At the end, we all play games… We long for connection, but avoid vulnerability. We want to be seen, but hesitate to open up. We want to play, but don’t talk about our desires.
Vulnerability means I show myself where I’m not safe. That often means going first. Opening up first. Saying “I love you” first.
I think it’s graceful to go first.